Call Me Trouble.

with a side of optimism and wit.


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Goal Setting: The number and place I’m aiming for.

The hangover, the morning after I posted my weight for the whole wide web to see…isn’t that bad. I was all, “look at it!” and you guys were all like, “I see it!” and even some of you went the extra mile and reached out with kind words, advice, and to let me know we’re rowing the same boat. Ya’ll make posting in this blog too easy.

I know what I don’t want to be, tired, greasy, or uncomfortable in my own skin. It’s important to know what I don’t want or like to be. More importantly though, is to decide what I do want to be and how I want to feel.

I need to write some goals, some rewards, and then make a plan. Plans are very important for me because I love big pictures and big goals. I do not excel at breaking things down. Then, all of a sudden, I get close to the deadline and I didn’t even know where or how to start.

Digression 1

Keeping “to-do” lists is a passion of mine. I was able to transfer (mostly) to e-books but my list of stuff to accomplish stays on paper. There’s just nothing technologically (yet) that gives me the same satisfaction of crossing something off my do list or, even better, highlighting it in a bold, neon color to signify it’s completeness. However, I’ve been learning to slowly improve how I write down my tasks.

Old Task Framing:

  • New printer ink

New Task Framing:

  • Get printer ink number
  • Order ink on Amazon
  • Install new printer ink

See the difference?

Back on Track

I’m likely to set goals like “Lose 10 pounds” “Run a half marathon in under two hours” “Eat meat no more than once a day” but those are pretty vague. They’re not “SMART” – I talking about smart goals here for your reference. So, I need to figure out what I want, what my specific goals are, and then start taking steps FORWARD towards them.

Digression 2

I capitalized “forward” because even after a wonderfully clean day yesterday, full of tea, and smoothies, and apples, I swung through Taco Bell this morning for breakfast, because why not? Face palm. I have nothing to say for myself. Yes I do. Having not yet tried it, I was curious. And they have something similar to the crunchwrap, which is what I always used to get. My review? Not bad. I used some mild sauce and really enjoyed it. Nothing like fake eggs wrapped in a fully processed tortilla for breakfast. Full disclosure, I added four cinnabon poppers to the order. They were disgusting. That being said, I would like to tell you that I just threw them out, but I didn’t. Instead, I just took a bite out of each one, squeezed out as much frosting as I could, and ate them. Much more edible once adjusted. As sarcastically as possible, let me say, I’m a monster.

Back on Track, Again

How Do I Want To Feel, Health-wise

Lets stick to health/fitness. “How Do I Want to Feel” becomes an entirely different question as a whole. Very philosophical. Very complex.

  • I hope to feel energetic, happy, disciplined but not rigid, glowy, and flexible – both in mind and body.
  • I would enjoy being up early in the mornings, because that’s when I’m at my best.
  • Running a half marathon in under two hours really is a goal of mine.
  • My favorite pair of jean shorts fit last June for the first time since senior year of college, I’d like to be able to wear those year round.
  • Meatless Mondays is an alliteration I would like to really get behind. Along with the idea of trying to eat meat no more than once a day.

I like to think this is how I look in them. Especially if that is Chipotle.

There’s so much I would like to be and do. It’s hard to know where to start. That being said, I know if I try to do everything at once, even all in small steps, it won’t be sustainable. Prioritizing will be important.

What’s Next

These will always been a work in progress but there are a few easy things to start with, some big, some small.

  1. Aim for 120 lbs. feel completely content to fall short but why not aim big (or little)? Reward: Tattoo – I know exactly what it will be. I’ve wanted it for longer than I can remember and there’s been no new ink on this canvas in eight years. I can’t believe it’s been eight years. Digression 3: The spots I’ve considered eligible for tattoos are incredibly limited. I never wanted to get something in a place that could limit what kind of wedding dress I get. It is certainly an archaic thought and I have no problem with brides with tattoos, but for me personally, it’s been a great general rule and has ensured that when I pass people on my walk down the aisle, they aren’t then looking upon a 12 in. diameter Sublime sun.* Back on Track: I don’t really have a timeline for being at 120, it’s about a 17 lb. weight loss at the moment and that sounds like a lot so I’m going to break it up into chunks. Let’s start with getting to 130 (~7 lb.) by Halloween and 125 by Thanksgiving. Of course, most importantly is being healthy, gradual, and feeling good.
  2. Run a Half Marathon in under two hours on November 1. There’s one locally that looks perfect and will give me something to work towards. I came in at 2:06 last time, I just know I can do it! (Workout plan to come.)
  3. No more fast food. None. If it has a drive-thru window, I’m not getting food from it.
  4. Wake up with the sun. This ranges from 5:30 a.m. to just a minute shy of 7 a.m. This goal makes me really excited.

*This is the exact tattoo I wanted but decided to wait on. Very lovely tattoo but I’m grateful to not have it permanently on my body.

 

I think that’s good for now.

What are a few of your goals? How do you want to feel?

 


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How I Lost 20 lbs. in Four Months: Where I stand now.

This post has been swimming around in my head for a while. It’s hard for me to talk about weight. My weight. Weight in general. Weight. I put out my “before” pictures earlier this year and left everyone hanging about the “after.” It’s difficult to talk about weight in theory but I’ve always been leery of putting the numbers out there. I’ve worried about how it might be perceived if I present my numbers in a negative light when they are someone else’s good numbers. I’m lucky to have this worry. That being said – my eating habits have sucked recently (always) and I haven’t been feeling great between all the meals and the drinks. If I’m 160 lbs. but I wake up energized and my body fat percentage is low and I fit into all of my favorite clothes, than 160 is GREAT. But if I’m 135 and tired all the time and jiggling in all the wrong places and battling blemishes – that is NOT great.

I’d like to be an open book about my fitness/health journey and I don’t see why that can’t include numbers. I wouldn’t call myself shameless but at the same time, I don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of. I cannot worry others may judge their journey against mine; I can just pray they understand every journey is different and difficult, and no one’s is better or worse than another’s.

A Step Back: The Before

Right around the turn of the new year, I stepped on a scale and saw the number I had been waiting for, 150. 1-5-0. Sure, it was post- a couple of beers and some nachos and I had no business stepping on the scale at that moment, but I did, and there it was.

Prior to that fateful moment, I always wondered “what it would take” for me to get serious about my eating habits. I have been pretty pleased with my fitness journey, albeit not very consistent but very much present. My lack of self-control around dips, chips, cheese, and wine has only grown more disconcerting as my metabolism slows and the bad habits become more and more ingrained. It got to a point where I was quietly hoping “something would happen.” Something like I read in all of those inspiring weight-loss stories. I’ve read, “I realized I was too tired to get off the couch to play dolls with my four-year-old daughter” or, “I was diagnosed with diabetes” or, “I wanted to surprise my spouse when they arrived home from active duty.” What would mine be? I’m not sure exactly when I decided, but a voice in me said, “if you ever see 150.”

150 pounds crept up behind me quietly. I think I was in the high 130s when I ran the half marathon in early October and it was all downhill from there. A slow, delicious downhill. Or should I call it uphill? Let’s call it whatever hill that means I was gaining weight. I can come up with all of the excuses in the world but it always boils down to one thing – poor self-control. I eat when I’m not hungry. I graze out of boredom. I feed my stress with instant gratification. There was also the holidays; my family, both old and new, do not disappoint at the kitchen table.

There I was standing on the scale staring at 150. I didn’t cry. I let out an exasperated breath and plopped back down on the couch – no longer interesting in the college football bowl game. I was staring down the barrel at three upcoming, 16-week long, graduate classes. I was signed up for the Cleveland Rite Aid half-marathon. How I was treating my body had to change.

The Before Pictures: (In case you forgot) (and NOT that there was anything wrong with the way I physically looked – I can’t stress energy levels and how I felt, enough.)

beforepicture

The After

Four months later, April 2014, I stepped on the scale to the tune of 130 lbs. It’s a little embarrassing how simple this was, but I’m happy to share:

  1. No more fast food. And if I had to stop at a fast food joint for sustenance, it needed to be not fried.
  2. Having class three days a week really cut down on the happy hours and the dinners. This was sad for my social schedule but great for my wallet and waistline.
  3. Water. All the water. I loathe water. But I bought a water bottle that I loved and filled it up all the time and would challenge myself to finish it by particular time intervals. When I was really struggling, I would disguise it with crystal light.
  4. Cut out booze during the week. Or at least to one glass of red wine. It’s also important to note that I stopped pouring a quarter of the bottle into a glass and pouring actual 5 ounces of wine.
  5. Worked Out/Trained for my half marathon. This one is last and least because I was pretty terrible about sticking to my workout plan between work and school. For me personally, getting my body/mind in shape seems to be 85% diet, 15% fitness. One of the biggest benefits of working out for me is that it is time I can’t be eating.

The After Pictures

skinnymini

I’m going to miss that hallway mirror. Waiting for those elevators built in great selfie-buffer in the mornings. Though I won’t miss waiting for those old elevators.

The Weight-loss Hangover.

Twenty pounds in four months. I was pretty pleased with myself. Then, May happened. Historically the craziest month for me and my family and this one was no different. I didn’t really gain weight but my 1-5 new habits really started slipping. Finals wreaked havoc on me and my “post-half marathon binge eating and not working out” period outlasted it’s welcome. I made it down to 127 lbs. in early June but it’s all be back uphill since then. That was my post-food poisoning weight.

June was class four nights a week followed by a week long vacation at the beginning of July, all while house selling and hunting. July was house-packing and moving. End of July, into August, was my final graduate class, living with Gram, and finally making the move to Nashville. All while continuing to work full time. I was reckless with goodbye drinks and dinners. How do you leave Cleveland for an extended period of time without getting corned beef at Slyman’s, Stoli Dolis at Treehouse, a late-night slice of pizza at Edison’s (after the Stoli Dolis), wings at Winking Lizard, cupcakes at Cookie & a Cupcake, and on and on?

A long weekend on the West Coast and cozy lake house trip later…here I am, September of 2014, clocking in at:

  • 137 lbs.
  • 27.5% body fat
  • 24.2 BMI
  • And I feel like shit.
  • I’m groggy.
  • I’m blemished.
  • And my stomach would put me in time out if it could.

Where do we go from here? Obviously nothing drastic but I need to hit the refresh button in my life and get back on track. I sense a lot of water, veggies, and sweat sessions coming up in my life, and I’m very much looking forward to it.

What do you do to get back on track after a derailment?


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The Katie-opedia: My Guide to Podcasts and Talk Radio.

My Podcast Rotation

My love for talk radio still burns, even though I no longer am on the road for at least an hour and a half every day. Thank goodness. Podcasts are perfect for cleaning, cooking, and even occasionally during workouts.

I currently use Stitcher as my go-to app for these podcasts but haven’t been wholly satisfied but all of the podcasts I play on a regular basis are available through Stitcher.

The Breakdown

I can break my podcasts into quiz shows (my favorite), educational, comedians interviewing interesting people, other NPR shows, food, and potpourri. Since nothing is created equal, I have rated these out of five tote bags so you have a better idea of what I would highly recommend. Obviously, as talk radio listener, the more tote bags you have, the better.

Quiz Shows

  • NPR: Ask Me Another Podcast - Broadcast from a bar in Brooklyn, this quiz show is as hipster as one can imagine. They are constantly anagramming. I enjoy the variety of games – most of which are manageable for the average bear. The guests can be so-so and they’re not afraid to poke fun at the contestants. 3 out of 5 tote bags.
  • NPR: Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! Podcast - Definitely in my top three favorite podcasts. I’ve even seen it recorded live. It could be perceived as a bit patronizing but they’re usually laughing at themselves as opposed to others. It’s a quiz show about recent news and combines comedians, journalists, and writers. It’s quite marvelous. 5 out of 5 tote bags. 
  • Good Job, Brain - Hands down the most lovable podcast crew. They make being smart and knowing trivia feel cool. This is one podcast that I actively look forward to the new episode to be posted every week. If they ever had a meetup within 100 miles of where I am – I would be there. 5 out of 5 tote bags.

Educational

  • A Way With Words - Basically, guests call in with words and phrases with questions on their etymology or meanings. I particularly like the callers who are calling in to settle a wager. 5 out of 5 tote bags.
  • NPR: How to Do Everything Podcast - I don’t listen to this one as often as I would like. It is VERY light hearted and always an easy listen. I’m not sure they ever really tell you how to do something, but I think that’s what I like about it. They approach fan questions in some very, very creative way. 4 out of 5 tote bags.
  • 99% Invisible - This is billed as a design podcast but that’s very vague. 99% Invisible is a very quick podcast that is usually addressing architecture and why/how structures around us are the way they are. Very cool. 3 out of 5 tote bags.
  • Grammar Girl Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing - It may not be obvious, but I do want my writing to be as painless as possible and Grammar Girl is slowly helping with that. These are truly quick, easy to understand tips. She usually breaks the tips down relevant and easy to remember examples and anecdotes, which I really appreciate. 4 out of 5 tote bags.
  • Stuff You Missed in History Class - As I get older, my interest in topics I had little interest in previously (history, science, etc.) has grown tremendously. Holly and Tracy are the hosts and they make history a pleasure to listen to. They’re like the Drunk History of podcasts, but not drunk either. 5 out of 5 tote bags. 
  • Stuff You Should Know - Each episode, Josh and Chuck take about an hour or less to thoroughly walk you through a topic. I recently listened to an episode on TV Ratings – they covered the history, how they’re used, how they’re calculated, and how they’re changing with new technology and how we watch TV nowadays. 5 out of 5 tote bags.
  • Freakonomics Podcast - From the authors, Levitt & Dubner, of the Podcast’s namesake novels, this podcast does not disappoint. Recently the podcasts have coincided with they’re new book “Think Like a Freak” which I absolutely loved – so that’s a bonus. 5 out of 5 tote bags.
  • NPR: Planet Money Podcast - I never thought there would be a money/finance podcast I actually enjoyed listening to, but this one proved me wrong. It really is like going to a bar with a money-smart friend and having a really valuable conversation that never gets preachy or judgy. 4 out of 5 tote bags.

Comedians Interviewing Interesting People

  • WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Marc clearly works very hard on these productions and it pays off. The guests span a wide gambit and I find him strangely lovable. 4 out of 5 tote bags.
  • You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes - Probably my favorite podcast. Pete is a stellar interviewer and boy can he get people to open up. When I’m listening to his shows on a consistent basis, I feel a deeper connection with the world around me. 5 out of 5 tote bags.
  • The Adam Corolla Show - I have a deep appreciation for Adam’s ruggedness and I love Allison Rosen. It’s exactly what you would expect. 3 out of 5 tote bags.

Other NPR Shows

  • NPR: Most Emailed Stories Podcast - This a great listen for the “need to know” water cooler stories. 3 out of 5 tote bags.
  • NPR: Ted Radio Podcast - This show takes a series of related TED talks and presents them in a condensed form. They mix clips from the TED talk with concise interviews with the presenters. This is a great jumping point for finding meaningful TED talks. I find TED talks intimidating and this podcasts creates a very manageable bite. 4 out of 5 tote bags.
  • NPR Topics: Pop Culture Podcast - My go-to podcast for shows I should be watching, films I should be viewing, music I should be listening to, and books I should be reading. I’ve never been led astray. They called Iconapop’s “I Love It” more than six months before it hit the radios. 4 out of 5 tote bags.

Food

  • The Alton Browncast - Alton rocks. And this podcast has rocked. And there hasn’t been a new one since the end of June – points of for being so sporadic. 2 out of 5 tote bags.
  • The Splendid Table - The best food podcast, in my opinion. I’m not a crazy foodie or a gourmet chef and this podcast inspires and empowers me in the kitchen. 4 out of 5 tote bags.

Potpourri

  • Slate Magazine Daily Podcast - Slate offers up a variety of shows and I’m pleasantly surprised about the consistent quality across all of the shows. These shows include Gist (kind of political/law), Mom and Dad are Fighting (a parenting podcast that’s a great listen for even non-parents), Political (political), Money (self-explanatory), Audio Book Club, Techno (technology, not terrible music), Hang Up (sports), and Double X (lady news). 4 out of 5 tote bags.
  • The Official Waiting for Next Year Podcast - This is the only sports-cast I listen to and of course it is mostly Cleveland-centric, but not always. It keeps getting better and better. 3 out of 5 tote bags.
  • Savage Podcast - Dan Savage used to be on the radio but his explicit content is much better suited for the podcast audience. I don’t listen to this one often, but it is very ear-opening to listen to him troubleshoot sex and relationship issues that I didn’t even know people could have. I have a deep appreciation for his open-mindedness and no bullshit approach to his advice. 4 out of 5 tote bags.

Have I missed any gems??


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Cleveland-sick: It was only a matter of time.

Well – I knew this was coming; the question was when. This being, “feeling devastatingly homesick.” The answer being, “yesterday at the Chicago airport.”

Yesterday marked our one-month anniversary of closing on our new home in Nashville. I was heading home from a wonderful lake house weekend in Illinois. Walking through the airport, I was frantically checking my phone for updates on the Browns game, as time winded down and the scores were tight. Not surprisingly, none of the TVs had the game on and by the time I found a seat at a bar, the game was over. The Browns had won. I can’t remember the last time the Browns won their home opener.

Sometimes social media is my best friend. Yesterday, it was the messenger of a harsh reality. Scrolling through tweets, pictures, and videos, my heart sank that I wasn’t there to enjoy to magic and the victory. I didn’t arrive early at the tailgate with jello shots and buffalo chicken dip. I wasn’t high-fiving everyone I’ve come to know and love near where our season tickets are.

I’m not saying I silently cried at the airport bar and barely held back my tears when the clip played of Hoyer presenting the ball to Pettine. But it is definitely what possibly happened. Obviously I’m having hugely polarizing emotions about the NFL as a whole but my sadness wasn’t about missing a football game, it was about missing the experience with those I love in an environment I feel so comfortable in. 

I arrived home, by myself, to our condo. Full of mixed emotions, I perched on the couch and tried to comfort myself with brownie batter – as is only fit as a treatment for homesickness – but could only manage three rich spoonfuls before I conceded and made a steamy cup of tea. No amount of Freaks & Geeks episodes was going to cheer me up.

Not quite sure what I was expecting to happen in Nashville once we were “settled in.” Did I expect the clouds to open up and rain friends? Did I think I would magically find all of my favorite places to go? Would I absorb by osmosis exactly where to shop for groceries or linens? Most surprisingly, I expected my heightened feelings of excitement and anxiety to dissipate. Four weeks later, they’re still with me.

The silver lining is all of the small, positive things I have to focus on. I absolutely love the small, organic grocery store within walking distance. We have also met a really fantastic couple who also just moved to Nashville from Cleveland. I’m enjoying life after graduate school. We finally have our bed and our couch; all of our new furniture is here.

After a fun weekend full of feasting, I’m going to “cleanse” – it just feels right. More on that later. I am also attempting to meditate each morning, because I am definitely in need of being able to better control my thoughts and reactions.

“She was smart and terribly determined, this girl-her will was pure steel, through and through-but she was as human as anyone else. She was lonely, too. Lonely in a way that perhaps only single girls fresh from small Midwestern towns know. Homesickness is not always a vague, nostalgic, almost beautiful emotion, although that is somehow the way we always seem to picture it in our mind. It can be a terribly keen blade, not just a sickness in metaphor but in fact as well. It can change the way one looks at the world; the faces one sees in the street look not just indifferent but ugly….perhaps even malignant. Homesickness is a real sickness- the ache of the uprooted plant.
― Stephen King

 

 


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Making Your Bed and Laying In It: Finally.

Around 12:30 p.m. today, I found myself perched on a bed frame slate while Nick vigorously sawed at the other end of the board with the tiniest hand saw I’ve ever seen. How did we end up here?

After endless potential bed frame e-mails and browsing sessions – we finally settled on a bed. This was no small feat because at 5’3” and a modern flare, I wanted a platform bed. In my mind, my ideal master bedroom could easily be confused with a zen garden. At 6’6”, Nick had something with a little more height and grandeur in mind. My weakness outside of platform beds is something with four posters, especially when there’s a promise of being able to hang wispy curtains from the canopy. We settled on a Tommy Bahama West Indies bed that I would nearly need to get a running start to get on, but was fit for a queen. A zen queen.

Acknowledging our adversity to manual labor and trying to hedge potential issues, we got the premium delivery that included an hour of the delivery man’s time to put together as much of the bed as they could. Despite waiting almost three weeks for the bed, the movers had it in and up it was going…until the, “uh….Sir?” that would soon become the bane of our sleeping existence.

The damage was that the canopy and bed slates did not fit. Despite coming in boxes that said, “California King” my best guess is that they were Eastern King parts…the one that’s wider instead of longer. A call to Wayfair reassured us that early this week a furniture expert would come out early this week and at the very least, cut the slates and put the bed in place until the replacement parts arrived, which will be another three or so weeks.

This morning, the “furniture expert’s” office called to schedule a visit, with the earliest availability of NEXT week; which is very different than early this week – which we were assured of. Which is exactly what led to me being perched on a folder chair, acting as a human saw-horse because dammit, we’re tired of not having nice things.

Also – we needed a big win this morning. After reading lots of terrible news including, but not limited to, everything Ray Rice related, the Bay Village bullying ALS stunt, the runner who was pistol whipped in Cleveland and raped, crazy enteroviruses spreading throughout the midwest, and the weight on my chest from the recent too-soon passings of young men I went to school with, I needed a win. I needed something to go right. I needed something to take my mind off of the broken glass in our garbage disposal. Off of the dry wall screws that broke off in our wall.

Somehow, we did it. The freshly cut slates are now holding up the bed I will crawl into – pretty soon here.

PhotoGrid_1410230302718

In a new, different place, I’m learning to celebrate the little wins, like getting a couch delivered after a month. Like lowering your bed into your new bed frame.


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My First Movie Live Blog: Rapture-Palooza

The Intro

This is a little different from my normal entry but I’m all about trying new things and I think I would enjoy watching movies (silly, over-again, or otherwise) while writing down my thoughts simultaneously. It’s a quiet Wednesday night and why not? It’s not like I have a million other things to talk about like self-actualization and a bombass trip to California over the weekend.

Highlights of my trip to Cali?

  1. West coast people are all very glamorous
  2. And they don’t wear bras very often – which I’ve realized – I’m not going to either anymore. Unless necessary. Maybe more on this discovery later. Maybe.
  3. I swam in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Thankfully this was before seeing a HUGE live crab bury himself in the sand.
  4. Shucking oysters comes naturally to me. I’d like to thank my parents for this.

OKAY. Now for the main event – the movie of choice:

Rapture-Palooza

Why? Because my friend, Derek, recommended it to me. And it has Anna Kendrick in it. And so far she’s 2 for 0 on movies that were supposedly not awesome but I ended up LOVING them. (What to Expect & Drinking Buddies.)

Let the show begin! I’m so grateful for finally figuring out how to use Boyface’s Playstation. Turning on even a simple workout DVD used to be a HUGE source of anxiety for me. (Editors note: Almost immediately after typing this sentence I went to manually adjust the volume on the TV and accidentally switched the channels and almost had to shut this whole “live blog” operation down for the night. It would have been so shameful; but I prevailed!)

One thing I really miss about traditional (non-streaming movie watching) is previews. I LOVE previews. Usually, I’m going to like the movie I’m about to watch so the previews are related and then I can know more movies to look forward to watching! Trailers say it all for me. So anyway, I’ve already had to pause the movie because I got so excited about remembering the existence of movie previews. Not a most auspicious start.

Okay. Play.

It’s telling me this is based on a true story. (I’m thinking….no.) And now there’s a reverend (maybe?) at a news desk preaching about what will happen when a rapture occurs. Thanks, bro. Good 1997 Denver Broncos joke. We get it. They’re may not make it to heaven.

Change of scenery. A young couple is staring at two bodies down in a hot tub (I think?) and Anna Kendrick (one of the two adolescent lovers) is narrating about her feelings at that moment staring at these bodies. She’s standing with Ben. I have no idea what her character’s name is.

 

The Ben character is definitely an actor I’ve seen before. He played someone that made me feel really awkward for him…who was it? WAITING. Ugh. He’s the new guy in the movie Waiting. I would also venture that he was in Freaks and Geeks…I really need to watch that show. I have all the love for Linda Cardellini.

Flashback: Anna’s backing up for us and now they’re bowling. She’s clearly dating him, Anna sounds like her usual self. I’m starting to think she has a pretty typical role. Typecast much? But dang does it work for her.  She sends a ball down the alley and in mid-strike, the slow motion occurs – simultaneously with the Rapture. Or maybe the slow motion occurs because of the Rapture. People are disappearing. Beer bottles are shattering. Now some fries hit the floor. NOT THE FRIES. I can already tell the soundtrack is going to be killer. There’s like a fun doo-whop going on.

The churchgoers are saved. Non-believers are left to perish. Anna Kendricks mother gets sent back to earth – it’s the lady from SNL, Ana Gasteyer – I LOVE HER. She got kicked out because she got judgy in line for a massage. This makes me miss Suburgatory. I cannot believe they canceled that show. And Happy Endings. And Mixology. Why do all good things have to end?

Then the torments start. Talking locusts. They actually look pretty awful. Un-killable bugs yelling “suffer!” at me would be terrifying and annoying. Then, of course, blood rain. What IS the point of blood rain? Their neighbor died and came back – and all he does is mow his lawn. That really would be hell.

Aaaaaand the anti-Christ is Craig Robinson. Earl Bundy. I’m interested. He’s billed as a former politician. Of course he was.

There are insulting crows. Hahahahahaha. Sorry, but a crow calling someone a pussy is hysterical. There are also lots of bicycles strewn around. Aaaand a fiery rock just kid some idiot they knew. They seem pretty ambivalent about it.

Oh crap.

And Anna’s dad just got killed by a rock. Her mother is in hysterics. How would one know how to feel?

So there are zombies. Like the lawn mowing neighbor. I guess they’re calling them, “the raised.” And they’ve become potheads. Namely, they are NOT interested in eating the livings’ brains. I’m not sure I get it.

Now they’re at Ben’s house and THERE HE IS there was a guy that I knew would be in this. He’s playing Ben’s father. I’ll come back for an editor’s note with who this is. He’s working for the anti-christ.

(Editor’s Note: Rob Corddry is the father. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen him in film or on TV before but I am pretty sure I’ve never heard that name before in my life. I recognize him from Hot Tub Time Machine, Happy Endings – speaking of!, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Arrested Development, and Old School – Wow, is that list an indictment of my taste in media.)

The cute young couple is thinking about starting a sandwich cart business, they even have a cute sandwich cart. Oh wait. Nope. A fire rock just took it out. So now they’re going to work for the devil.

I can’t even describe this baller scene as Craig steps out of this barricade of golf carts. Slow motion. Sick beats. His son, Little Beast, wants a slide. It would also seem as if he is interested in Lindsay, which I’m only now gathering is Anna’s character’s name. So now she’s gone with the beast. Ben’s pissed. But how do you fight against the anti-Christ?

He (the beast) is talking VERY lewdly to Lindsay. He says, “just kidding…no I’m not” a LOT. He’s a little too obsessed with her being a virgin. I didn’t even know that until this point in the movie? Perhaps I missed some subtle hinting. Ben went to save her but then his dad hit him over the head with a shovel to slow him down. Not the best parenting I’ve ever seen, but I think it’s coming from the right place.

The Beast wants to marry her and create a “busload” of evil offspring. That’s, terrifying. Regardless whether a man is the anti-Christ or not. Hearing a man say “busload” of children gives me the chills.

I’m getting the feeling that she’s getting the in on some helpful beast-dominating secrets. Like how to use a crazy missile he has.

He wants to know if she’s in or not. She’s not. I’m not thinking this is a guy you can say a flat out no to. Yep. Here it is – the ultimatum. He’s giving her eight hours to think about it or else he’ll kill her family and boyfriend.

Her mom is NOT handling this well. They (Ben and Lindsay) think they are going to attempt to come up with a plan. They are planning to lock him up. In a dog kennel. Hm. This seems a little optimistic. This crazy couple is planning to enlist their zombie, grass mowing neighbor. Who apparently did not realize he was dead. This will be helpful though so he can run a distraction on the guards who obviously will not be able to kill him.

Ben, for some reason unknown to me, is at his father’s house picking up their ride mower. I’m thinking this may have something to do with the zombie neighbor. Ben has knocked his father out in order to be able to keep fighting the good fight. Must be a family thing.

Their plan is in place and they’re off to fight the Beast. Well. Distract the Beast and the Guards so Anna, I mean, Lindsay, is off to drug him and then the hope is they’ll be able to put him in their old family dog’s kennel. They’ve got her rolling in in a sick Benz. And in the parlor, the Beast is at the baby grand serenading her, “I want to touch your booty, all night long.” It’s quite a provocative song but is sung quite sweetly.

So. Anna has poisoned the drinks for the Beast AND the guards, but had to pause to go put his Little Beast to bed. It’s not looking like the sedatives are going to be consumed. Meanwhile….Ben has distracted the zombie guards by taking advantage of their love for getting stoned. And this lawn mowing neighbor zombie is KILLING it. Well. He CAN’T be killed.

Lindsay is attempting to distract the Beast after dinner. Talking about Vin Diesel movies. Kind of cute. Love that they have that in common of all things. Lindsay maneuvers the Beast to the back pool area where she’s hoping to meet up with Ben who has snuck in.

THE CONFRONTATION. Just Ben. Lindsay, and the BEAST.

A series of events has left us with just Lindsay and the Beast. She has shot him – which is a HUGE problem, because apparently when you shoot the anti-Christ, he comes BACK as Satan. Which I thought he already was, so I’m really confused. Everytime he gets up, she shoots him, and he falls back down. It’s pretty funny. This has gone one for 5+ times and I think they’re out of guns…

HEY. Wouldn’t ya know, the shovel works in this instance too. Beast is out cold…for now.

Welp. In an attempt to to use the large missile on premises to kill the Beast, Ben conveniently shot Christ as he was coming down to lock up the Beast for 1,000 years. And now the Asian guy from The Hangover has appeared – asking what they have done. OH. It’s God. HE’S playing God. Well, not playing, he is cast as God. Huh.

Ben explained to God how he laser-beamed Jesus. But they just apologized, so it’s all good. Or…maybe it’s not. I CAN’T TELL. God is being such a dick about this. Lindsay is telling him he doesn’t have to be so mean!!! She’s my favorite.

Beast is back. And he just hit God in the head. There’s gonna be a fight! There is KUNG FU on my television screen right now. Some choreographed-ass shit. God has tackled the Beast into the pond/spa which looks astonishingly like the one that the scene opened on. This movie COULD be over soon. I’m pretty happy about that. The Beast pulled in a boom box on accident (maybe?) and it appears that both God and the Beast have been electrocuted and are out for the count.

I wonder what the aftermath with be. Some kind of Deus Ex Machina? Kind of hard to do that when, oh, I don’t know, you killed God?!

But sure enough – we’re wrapping up. The “who’s in charge?” question is posed – it’s a biggie. Lindsay has resolved that everyone is in charge and should just, “live.” It sounds so sweet and simple. And everyone seems okay with that. Sounds good to me?

And now – the big kiss. The happy music comes on. And time for the epilogue. They’ve got a sandwich shop and she’s PREGNANT. Cute. Cute. Cute.

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I would give this movie 5 out 10 Burning Rapture Rocks.


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Officially Living in Nashville: Setting Intentions.

A Brief Update

As of last Friday, we have lived in Nashville for a week. A whole week. I existed on this earth as an official resident outside of Northeast Ohio and am still around to talk about it. Change is possible. Real change is possible. It was a week without a schedule, a week that mostly involved living here with only what fit into our cars. I baked on tin foil and we slept (tossed and turned) on an air mattress. The moving truck arrived on Wednesday morning and since then, it’s been a whirlwind of unpacking. As of this moment – there is only one box left unopened, titled “ornaments” and it shall remain taped until the holiday season; which is closer than I would like to admit. God help me if it’s where our paper towel holder and cord for the vacuum is.

I’m really here to tell you about a yoga class I went to on Saturday. Yes, my whole life has been picked up and placed down over 500 miles away and I want to write about a freaking yoga class. Stay with me.

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Saturday, August 23

Being that I have moved to a popular weekend getaway spot – good friends are bound to visit. A darling yogi friend, Alex, was in town for a girls reunion. It’s funny – I remember when she was first planning this trip and I had no idea I would be LIVING here when their trip would take place. As I was figuring out what to do on Saturday morning, Alex texted me asking if I would be game for a 90-minute hot vinyasa flow class. If there’s anything my body could use after countless takeout meals, goodbye dinners, and forgoing workouts for packing and unpacking boxes, it was a good yoga sesh.

I set out on foot for the studio and arrived at the same moment Alex was hopping out of a cab. I could see the yoga studio’s logo on the second floor windows but was without a clue of how to get up there. On the first level, however, there was an IHOP. I thought this might be a sign to abandon what would surely be an hour and a half of work in lieu of some fluffy pancakes. Instead, an IHOP worker popped out of the front door and clued us in on the elusive back entrance. People in South are scary nice.

Setting Intentions

Before the class, our instructor, Jamie, asked us to set an intention. I knew exactly what mine would be, which is relatively shocking because normal I cop out and go with “present” because I’m terrible of thinking of things like that on the spot.

Walking into the yoga studio, I was reminded so much of the Cleveland Yoga Studio in Uptown. Relatively new. Warm. Lots of tiny women in Lulu. Walking into the hot room with Alex felt so comfortable. As I began to stretch and twist and get into my body, I recognized the gentle piano notes from the plastic bag scene in American Beauty. My favorite movie and probably my favorite scene. For the first time in a long-ass time, I felt at home. I felt a well-known peace inside of me. In that moment I was no longer in a strange place. I was with someone I’ve known for years, about to engage in a practice I’ve been active in for a while, and hearing music that transported me to a place of ease.

My intention would be “familiarity,” I deserved it, after all. I had pretty much forgotten what familiar felt like. It was good. It was like eating vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts before bed in the house I grew up in. It was doing the same cheerleading dance routine to the fight song after knowing it for six years. It was arriving at a destination so mindlessly, I couldn’t remember a darn thing about the trip.

Class commenced. No less than fifteen minutes in, the Universe laughed at my intention and said, “nice try.” I distinctly recall being in downward dog and I felt sweat dripping into my nostrils. I felt a lot of things. Challenged, driven, hotter than hell, but not familiar. I must be more out of shape than I was (am) willing to admit because I’ve done lots of hot sweaty yoga classes, including Bikram, and never, ever, has sweat dripped INTO my nose before. It stung. It grossed me out. And it made me let go of this irrational desire to embrace familiarity and comfort rather than change and challenge.

There’s not a lot of room in adventure for a boring life. I may be tired of unpacking, not knowing where my socks are, or having to try three different cabinets before I find my tea, but dammit, it’s exciting.

Other notes:

  • I’m terrified to hang anything on the walls because I’m afraid I’ll hate it or it won’t go with my “theme.”
  • I have no idea how to decorate a new place.
  • We’re headed to an area just North of San Francisco this weekend. Not really sure how that’s going to go after the crazy earthquake.
  • I somehow forgot to post a “how I lost 20 lbs in four months” piece but I’ve managed to gain 13 of them back! So let’s see if I can repeat my magic and then not move across the country while finishing grad school and keep them off.
  • We have opted to not get cable and instead I have access to Netflix and HBO Go. Any recommendations?
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