This is a little different from my normal entry but I’m all about trying new things and I think I would enjoy watching movies (silly, over-again, or otherwise) while writing down my thoughts simultaneously. It’s a quiet Wednesday night and why not? It’s not like I have a million other things to talk about like self-actualization and a bombass trip to California over the weekend.
Highlights of my trip to Cali?
- West coast people are all very glamorous
- And they don’t wear bras very often – which I’ve realized – I’m not going to either anymore. Unless necessary. Maybe more on this discovery later. Maybe.
- I swam in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Thankfully this was before seeing a HUGE live crab bury himself in the sand.
- Shucking oysters comes naturally to me. I’d like to thank my parents for this.
OKAY. Now for the main event – the movie of choice:
Why? Because my friend, Derek, recommended it to me. And it has Anna Kendrick in it. And so far she’s 2 for 0 on movies that were supposedly not awesome but I ended up LOVING them. (What to Expect & Drinking Buddies.)
Let the show begin! I’m so grateful for finally figuring out how to use Boyface’s Playstation. Turning on even a simple workout DVD used to be a HUGE source of anxiety for me. (Editors note: Almost immediately after typing this sentence I went to manually adjust the volume on the TV and accidentally switched the channels and almost had to shut this whole “live blog” operation down for the night. It would have been so shameful; but I prevailed!)
One thing I really miss about traditional (non-streaming movie watching) is previews. I LOVE previews. Usually, I’m going to like the movie I’m about to watch so the previews are related and then I can know more movies to look forward to watching! Trailers say it all for me. So anyway, I’ve already had to pause the movie because I got so excited about remembering the existence of movie previews. Not a most auspicious start.
It’s telling me this is based on a true story. (I’m thinking….no.) And now there’s a reverend (maybe?) at a news desk preaching about what will happen when a rapture occurs. Thanks, bro. Good 1997 Denver Broncos joke. We get it. They’re may not make it to heaven.
Change of scenery. A young couple is staring at two bodies down in a hot tub (I think?) and Anna Kendrick (one of the two adolescent lovers) is narrating about her feelings at that moment staring at these bodies. She’s standing with Ben. I have no idea what her character’s name is.
The Ben character is definitely an actor I’ve seen before. He played someone that made me feel really awkward for him…who was it? WAITING. Ugh. He’s the new guy in the movie Waiting. I would also venture that he was in Freaks and Geeks…I really need to watch that show. I have all the love for Linda Cardellini.
Flashback: Anna’s backing up for us and now they’re bowling. She’s clearly dating him, Anna sounds like her usual self. I’m starting to think she has a pretty typical role. Typecast much? But dang does it work for her. She sends a ball down the alley and in mid-strike, the slow motion occurs – simultaneously with the Rapture. Or maybe the slow motion occurs because of the Rapture. People are disappearing. Beer bottles are shattering. Now some fries hit the floor. NOT THE FRIES. I can already tell the soundtrack is going to be killer. There’s like a fun doo-whop going on.
The churchgoers are saved. Non-believers are left to perish. Anna Kendricks mother gets sent back to earth – it’s the lady from SNL, Ana Gasteyer – I LOVE HER. She got kicked out because she got judgy in line for a massage. This makes me miss Suburgatory. I cannot believe they canceled that show. And Happy Endings. And Mixology. Why do all good things have to end?
Then the torments start. Talking locusts. They actually look pretty awful. Un-killable bugs yelling “suffer!” at me would be terrifying and annoying. Then, of course, blood rain. What IS the point of blood rain? Their neighbor died and came back – and all he does is mow his lawn. That really would be hell.
Aaaaaand the anti-Christ is Craig Robinson. Earl Bundy. I’m interested. He’s billed as a former politician. Of course he was.
There are insulting crows. Hahahahahaha. Sorry, but a crow calling someone a pussy is hysterical. There are also lots of bicycles strewn around. Aaaand a fiery rock just kid some idiot they knew. They seem pretty ambivalent about it.
And Anna’s dad just got killed by a rock. Her mother is in hysterics. How would one know how to feel?
So there are zombies. Like the lawn mowing neighbor. I guess they’re calling them, “the raised.” And they’ve become potheads. Namely, they are NOT interested in eating the livings’ brains. I’m not sure I get it.
Now they’re at Ben’s house and THERE HE IS there was a guy that I knew would be in this. He’s playing Ben’s father. I’ll come back for an editor’s note with who this is. He’s working for the anti-christ.
(Editor’s Note: Rob Corddry is the father. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen him in film or on TV before but I am pretty sure I’ve never heard that name before in my life. I recognize him from Hot Tub Time Machine, Happy Endings – speaking of!, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Arrested Development, and Old School – Wow, is that list an indictment of my taste in media.)
The cute young couple is thinking about starting a sandwich cart business, they even have a cute sandwich cart. Oh wait. Nope. A fire rock just took it out. So now they’re going to work for the devil.
I can’t even describe this baller scene as Craig steps out of this barricade of golf carts. Slow motion. Sick beats. His son, Little Beast, wants a slide. It would also seem as if he is interested in Lindsay, which I’m only now gathering is Anna’s character’s name. So now she’s gone with the beast. Ben’s pissed. But how do you fight against the anti-Christ?
He (the beast) is talking VERY lewdly to Lindsay. He says, “just kidding…no I’m not” a LOT. He’s a little too obsessed with her being a virgin. I didn’t even know that until this point in the movie? Perhaps I missed some subtle hinting. Ben went to save her but then his dad hit him over the head with a shovel to slow him down. Not the best parenting I’ve ever seen, but I think it’s coming from the right place.
The Beast wants to marry her and create a “busload” of evil offspring. That’s, terrifying. Regardless whether a man is the anti-Christ or not. Hearing a man say “busload” of children gives me the chills.
I’m getting the feeling that she’s getting the in on some helpful beast-dominating secrets. Like how to use a crazy missile he has.
He wants to know if she’s in or not. She’s not. I’m not thinking this is a guy you can say a flat out no to. Yep. Here it is – the ultimatum. He’s giving her eight hours to think about it or else he’ll kill her family and boyfriend.
Her mom is NOT handling this well. They (Ben and Lindsay) think they are going to attempt to come up with a plan. They are planning to lock him up. In a dog kennel. Hm. This seems a little optimistic. This crazy couple is planning to enlist their zombie, grass mowing neighbor. Who apparently did not realize he was dead. This will be helpful though so he can run a distraction on the guards who obviously will not be able to kill him.
Ben, for some reason unknown to me, is at his father’s house picking up their ride mower. I’m thinking this may have something to do with the zombie neighbor. Ben has knocked his father out in order to be able to keep fighting the good fight. Must be a family thing.
Their plan is in place and they’re off to fight the Beast. Well. Distract the Beast and the Guards so Anna, I mean, Lindsay, is off to drug him and then the hope is they’ll be able to put him in their old family dog’s kennel. They’ve got her rolling in in a sick Benz. And in the parlor, the Beast is at the baby grand serenading her, “I want to touch your booty, all night long.” It’s quite a provocative song but is sung quite sweetly.
So. Anna has poisoned the drinks for the Beast AND the guards, but had to pause to go put his Little Beast to bed. It’s not looking like the sedatives are going to be consumed. Meanwhile….Ben has distracted the zombie guards by taking advantage of their love for getting stoned. And this lawn mowing neighbor zombie is KILLING it. Well. He CAN’T be killed.
Lindsay is attempting to distract the Beast after dinner. Talking about Vin Diesel movies. Kind of cute. Love that they have that in common of all things. Lindsay maneuvers the Beast to the back pool area where she’s hoping to meet up with Ben who has snuck in.
THE CONFRONTATION. Just Ben. Lindsay, and the BEAST.
A series of events has left us with just Lindsay and the Beast. She has shot him – which is a HUGE problem, because apparently when you shoot the anti-Christ, he comes BACK as Satan. Which I thought he already was, so I’m really confused. Everytime he gets up, she shoots him, and he falls back down. It’s pretty funny. This has gone one for 5+ times and I think they’re out of guns…
HEY. Wouldn’t ya know, the shovel works in this instance too. Beast is out cold…for now.
Welp. In an attempt to to use the large missile on premises to kill the Beast, Ben conveniently shot Christ as he was coming down to lock up the Beast for 1,000 years. And now the Asian guy from The Hangover has appeared – asking what they have done. OH. It’s God. HE’S playing God. Well, not playing, he is cast as God. Huh.
Ben explained to God how he laser-beamed Jesus. But they just apologized, so it’s all good. Or…maybe it’s not. I CAN’T TELL. God is being such a dick about this. Lindsay is telling him he doesn’t have to be so mean!!! She’s my favorite.
Beast is back. And he just hit God in the head. There’s gonna be a fight! There is KUNG FU on my television screen right now. Some choreographed-ass shit. God has tackled the Beast into the pond/spa which looks astonishingly like the one that the scene opened on. This movie COULD be over soon. I’m pretty happy about that. The Beast pulled in a boom box on accident (maybe?) and it appears that both God and the Beast have been electrocuted and are out for the count.
I wonder what the aftermath with be. Some kind of Deus Ex Machina? Kind of hard to do that when, oh, I don’t know, you killed God?!
But sure enough – we’re wrapping up. The “who’s in charge?” question is posed – it’s a biggie. Lindsay has resolved that everyone is in charge and should just, “live.” It sounds so sweet and simple. And everyone seems okay with that. Sounds good to me?
And now – the big kiss. The happy music comes on. And time for the epilogue. They’ve got a sandwich shop and she’s PREGNANT. Cute. Cute. Cute.
I would give this movie 5 out 10 Burning Rapture Rocks.