If wedding planning continues to happen but no blogs posts are written about it – is the planning happening at all?
March was the last time I had a “Wedding Wednesday” post, but rest assured, I’m still getting married.
Say Yes to the Dress
Prior to being betrothed, the only “wedding show” I subscribed to was Say Yes to the Dress. One might think that having seen every episode from all seven(?) seasons would have made dress shopping more difficult. Nay. I was not plagued by the same complications as beauty pageant queens. When I saw the dress on SYTTD after he popped the question, I thought knew it was the one…until I found out that particular dress was about half of our wedding budget. Fortunately, it was a few seasons old and the general idea had trickled down the designer chain, so then when I saw a similar dress, but within a price range I could probably rationalize for wearing for one whole day, I knew it was the one.
One of my bridesmaids recommended watching Four Weddings. This is an hour-long “reality” program where four brides attend each other’s weddings and then rank them in four different categories (overall experience, dress, venue, and food.) The winner gets a dream honeymoon! I wouldn’t dare subject my wedding to any aspect of reality television, but I’ve caught enough episodes now to put down some hard and fast rules for locking in the win.
Top 10 Tips for Winning TLC’s Four Weddings
1. Do not have your ceremony and/or reception outside in the elements.
The risk here is far greater than the reward. No matter how delicious your food it, how fun the DJ is, or how spot on the decor is, if this whiny brats are freezing, sweating, rained on, or the wind blows their hair into their lip gloss – you’re done. Outdoor weddings also open the door to potential outsiders being visible during your ceremony. Major points will be deducted for any strange old man in a nearby hot tub or little kids running around and being, well, little kids.
2. If you claim a theme – go all out.
Setting expectations is key. The brides all meet at a neutral location prior to each other’s weddings for some friendly trash talking but also to dish on what they’re planning. I recommend setting the bar low and over-delivering. If you tell these women your wedding is Cinderella themed, and you don’t show up in a glass pumpkin pulled by a fairy godmother and white stallions, kiss your dream honeymoon goodbye. Pick themes that are as vague and simple as possible, like, purple, autumn, nautical, beach. Sure, these are more open for interpretation, but you’re more likely to get them to understand your definition of these things than why there was no actual Christmas tree at a Christmas-themed wedding.
3. Bonus points for shit on or hanging from the ceiling.
Any one can put vases on tables, if you really thirst for a Four Weddings win, it’s all about the vertical. I’m talking paper lanterns, tulle draping, chandeliers, hanging baskets of flowers, etc. There will be asides of the other brides talking about the ceiling decorations like it must have taken magic to make it happen. Extra bonus points if this is done inside of a tent.
4. Grand entrances and exits are bonus points.
If you’re considering an extravagant entrance or exit – do it. Make it happen. Some entrance ideas include being dropped off by a yacht, horse and carriage, are setting off firecrackers before the bride walks down the aisle. For your exit? Vintage automobiles, helicopters, or a monster truck.
5. Don’t have special guests that overshadow the couple.
It’s not uncommon for extravagant brides to arrange for some special visitors or entertainment during cocktail hour or perhaps after dinner. Unless it’s the bride and her belly dancing troop or an extremely well coordinated flash mob, skip it. Marilyn Monroe Impersonators, sword swallowers, and zombies dancing the Thriller dance, need not apply.
6. Serve cocktail hour food fast, often, and in copious amounts and options.
I’m not sure what the filming schedule looks like for Four Weddings but I’m sure it’s a long, brutal day. Feed these bitches. Feed them frequently. There’s no easier way to start the reception off on the wrong foot by making them chase down elusive staff carrying tiny hor d’oeuvres or leaving them to fend like wolves over a meager cheese and vegetable table. This may also be a good time to talk about the signature drink. Points will be deducted for drinks containing gin or tequila, or tasting too strong, so basically, your signature drink should be some awful fruity drink with an alliterative moniker.
7. Buffets are not recommended.
There must be something about standing in line for food that turns people into the most judgmental, picky, negative humans. Lord have mercy. For the record – I like buffets. I won’t be having one for spatial reasons, but I love the thought of being able to serve myself like a mature adult who can be responsible for their own dinner selection and portions. However, for Four Weddings, buffets nine out of ten times are going to cause problems. There’s too many loose ends from long lines, to keeping food heated/chilled, or possibly running out.
8. Food is critical. It must be flavorful, cooked to perfection, and be neither too ethnic nor too plain.
Food is granted it’s own category for judging, as it should be, but I also believe it carries a strong correlation to the overall experience score – ergo food is basically a double whammy. Proteins that are “stuffed” get bonus points – especially if it involves cheese. If steak is involved, sadly, it should be cooked medium or beyond. I’ve never seen so many upset ladies about red, juicy, steak. That being said, all things must be easy to eat – no chopsticks, no long pastas, and nothing super spicey.
9. Guests should not take off clothing on the dance floor.
I can’t stress this enough. The easiest way to offend at least two of the three attending bridal judges is to have intoxicated wedding guests in a state of undress on the dance floor. Count yourself out if aforementioned shirtless (possibly pantless) guests tries to dance with these budding reality TV stars. While we’re on the topic, why is the tie always left on? Shouldn’t that be the first thing off?
10. Candy bars. And go all out. Maybe just [insert trendiest wedding dessert trend here.]
This may have more to do with the time these shows were taped, 2009-2011-ish, but holy moly do these ladies LOVE candy bars. Chocolate, cotton candy, pop rocks, taffy, you name it. I think perhaps this is/was cupcakes 2012-2014. What will 2015’s “it” dessert trend be?!
Honorable Mention Tips
- Over-emphasized kisses – possibly involving a dip or the groom pumping his fist in the air
- Personally written vows -with tears being shed while reading them, from both the bride and groom
What do you think, am I missing anything?